Category Archives: Babymaker

Project Pomegranate: Midafternoon phone call

In the mechanical room of a hockey rink where I was working on the lighting controls... Thick layers of ice were growing everywhere!

Midafternoon phone call: ZOMG!

No, it wasn’t the provincial electrical authority offering me a job…Though wouldn’t that be funny right now? It’s been over a year since the interview!

It was the local fertility centre:  We got an intake appointment!

I was working when the call came in, and so couldn’t answer. I listened to the message on the sly when my foreman sent me out to the van to get a ladder, and it just asked me to call them back, because they had a date ready.  I spent the remaining couple hours of my work day fretting over this, cuz I’m nothing if not an over-thinker. My big concern was that this appointment was going to be like next week or sometime really soon, and all I could think was: “BUT I’M NOT READY YET!!!”

Luckily, it’s in June. WHEW. June 14th, to be exact… A month before my 31st birthday, which feels like great timing.

The only crappy thing is that they really really want a medical referral for Oats, too. This was a different administrator I spoke with, from the last time, and she was quite firm. Regardless of our intentions for who will be doing what in this adventure in queer babymaking, the centre’s policy is that partnered clients will each have a regular physician’s referral.

It’s such total bullshit, and a huge waste of resources… I already think it’s silly that I needed a referral, considering that I’m not infertile, just queer.  So why should Oats have to get one, when her job is to hold my hand while I get poked and prodded and swabbed and inseminated?  I mean, Oats is going to be very busy in her role as Chief Gestational Support Coordinator, but I’m pretty certain she’ll get to keep her clothes on throughout.

(Er… At the clinic, I mean. I certainly hope she’ll remove them at other junctures…)

I know, I know… It’ll be easy enough for her to simply pop into the same walk-in clinic I did, and see the same doc, and just tell him she’s my partner and needs the same referral. I bet it’d be fun for all of us, him included. It’s more the principle of the thing that’s bothering me… I don’t like the American health care system by any means, but am rather envious of how many options there are for getting pregnant down there. Not only do they have fertility clinics, but there’s also midwives and naturopaths who perform inseminations, and you can even get home delivery from sperm banks and then do it yourself! Ah, how nice that would be.

So anyway, yeah. Halfway through June, we’re meeting the doc at the fertility centre for a getting-to-know-you session, and then they’re immediately whisking me off for a transvaginal ultrasound. Which is probably about as rad as it sounds, and likely the beginning of a time in my life when the number of people who’ve seen my genitalia rapidly increases… Perhaps exponentially.

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Project Pomegranate: The Referral

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No pomegranates here... Just the sun rising, along one of my favourite trails.

I went to the drop-in medical clinic late in the evening, when it was completely empty, and the doctor saw me right away. I told him I want to conceive a baby, and my partner is also female, and so I’m in need of a referral to the local fertility centre.

“Okay!” he said, enthusiastically, as he grabbed a pad of paper and began to write. “Partner is also female… Would like a pregnancy… Referral for…”

He paused and looked at me.  “…IVF?” he asked.

“Oh god!” I yelped, before I could stop myself.

“No?’ the doctor said, seeming confused but eager to help.

“I’m only thirty!” I exclaimed. “I mean, I don’t know, but I think I’m healthy, and I’m hoping that an IUI will do it…”

“Right, right, right!” the doctor cheerily replied, “Intra-uterine insemination!”

“Um, yeah,” I agreed, nodding to encourage him as he wrote that down.

It was pretty obvious that I was really throwing this dude for a loop, and that he was unfamiliar with… Well, reproductive medicine, for starters.

For those of you not in the know, let me just say that IVF is a very invasive and very expensive way of making a baby, and IUI is… Less so.  Like, a fraction of, in terms of both invasiveness as well as cost. As in, if donor sperm wasn’t so damn regulated in this country, we’d be going hardcore DIY-style and performing our own IUIs at home… While it’s pretty much impossible to do IVF at home. Unless you have a lab.  In which case, you’re way cooler than I am.

“The fertility centre… Which one?” he asked.

“There’s only one,” I told him, and said the name.

“Let’s look at their website!” he said, and pulled over a computer from the wall.  I kid you not: The doctor did a web search, found the site, and seemed so pleased with himself that I gotta say I too was rather charmed.  I mean, it’s like this was a totally new and interesting experience for him, which was refreshing given that I’ve been over every detail of the whole project a million times, both in my head and in conversation with Oats.

The doctor suddenly turned and looked at me. “You know this isn’t all covered by the province, right?”

“Yes,” I smiled and nodded.  Like, YEAH, I KNOW, AND IT’S INTENSE. Another reason why I yelped at the initial reference to IVF: At $5000 out of pocket for a cycle, it’s pretty fucking unlikely Oats and I would ever even go there.  We’ll hopefully try IUI (at a more accessible $800 per cycle) until it works or we’re ready to change the plan, which might be no kids after all, or maybe adoption, or maybe fostering for a while as we regroup. I guess it’s possible IVF could be on the agenda, but it’s more of a last resort.

“Okay, then!” he said, “That’s it.”

I got up to leave, and thanked him.

“Wait!” he said, and I quickly sat back down. “Are you on any medication?”

I replied in the negative, and he wrote that down.

“And do you have any health issues that may be relevant?”

Not that I’m aware of, I told him, and wanted to add I’M JUST QUEER IS ALL NOW PLEASE GIVE ME THE SPERM K THX. But I didn’t, cuz I’m a more mature person than that.

“Great!” The doctor wrote that down, and told me that was all. I thanked him again, and left, while he turned back to the computer.  I hope he spent some more time on the website of the fertility centre: It’s very informative about all sorts of reproductive technology.

I called the fertility centre a couple days later, to check that the doctor had actually sent in the referral.  I don’t like to make assumptions about peoples’ competencies, but let’s agree that I had reason to think maybe he wouldn’t quite get it together. Turns out they’d received it, and we’re now in line for an appointment.  When will we be granted this appointment?  Who knows… But I’m okay with waiting a while, now that I know we’re queued.

The start of the pomegranate days

This pomegranate was a Solstice gift from Jag, to celebrate our decision to become parents... Let's hope it increased my fertility like it's meant to!

I was off work today, and so finally took the plunge: I called the local fertility centre.  “My partner and I are interested in becoming clients of your clinic, to conceive using donor sperm,” I said.  “What are our next steps?”

I gotta tell you, readers, my heart was beating super fast. All the research in the world did nothing to prepare me for how it felt to actually move forward on this queer baby making project.

So it turns out that I need a referral.  Not having my own doctor , I’ll have to go to a walk-in clinic and ask for it.  For some reason, I find this funny.  I mean, it’s not like there’s anything wrong with my reproductive stuff (that we now of!), yet I still need to go to a walk-in clinic and say Hi-I’m-gay-and-I-want-a-baby-please.  Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to go straight to the fertility centre and say the same thing? It’s not really a mystery, my reasons for requiring their services.

“And your partner will need to get one too,” said the receptionist.  I actually laughed. “Well, she won’t be the gestational parent, I will,” I told her, “Is that still necessary?”

It’s just how they usually do it, I was told: They treat both women as a couple, and the referral is so that blood tests and other parts of the process are covered by the provincial health care system.

“Are you sure she won’t be carrying…?” Asked the receptionist. “And you won’t be using her eggs?”

No, that won’t be happening, I assured her. We’re quite certain. The receptionist agreed that in that case, it’d be silly for Oats to get a referral too… Let alone go through the blood work and whatever else is required.  I’m glad she was as amused by this as I was.

I called Oats and gave her the update.  She had her own news:  She saw her own doctor this morning, regarding some unfortunate health problems, and his solution was to put her on the Pill.  Ha!  So, depending on how this all goes, we’re looking to be a right mess of hormones at our house in the upcoming year.  Good times, good times.

Update on the grand scheme of things

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How could I choose to move away from this...?

An update on the grand scheme of things: We’re no longer planning on moving to someplace cheaper, and Oats is no longer applying to graduate school for her MFA. I like to think that both of these  goals will again be on the table in the future, but for now neither of them are the focus of our life plan. Instead, we’re staying here and having a baby.

When I write it like that, it makes it sound so easy and tidy, so maybe I’ll rephrase: We’re staying here and trying to make a kid in a biological fashion of some sort, though also thinking that our kid(s) may potentially come to us through other legal means instead, and we’re not certain how any of this will happen, only that we’re committing to working on it.

Oats and I have been discussing this change-in-focus for the past couple months, and our decision was so gradual, that I’ve been forgetting to tell my friends… Until they ask for an update on Oats’ university applications, and I’m all like: “Huh?”

Why the change?  It’s so pragmatic, it hurts.  I mean, I’m excited and eager and all that, but my romantic nature is still off in la-la land while big decisions are being made.  The main points are: We both have secure unionized jobs, we have a 3 bedroom apartment that is owned by our closest friends, and we have the family-style support of said closest friends plus Jag, who is also only a stone’s throw from our door, not to mention a bevy of other excellent friends and chosen family.  To top it off, I’m 30 years old and if my reproductive system is gonna do anything useful, now is a good time to start asking.

Anyway.  Yeah.  So that’s what’s been on my mind lately.  I don’t really have much else to say about it, except all the boring details: Any pregnancy would be carried by me, not Oats; we would use an anonymous donor via a sperm bank, not a known donor; we haven’t yet chosen a bank or donors, or looked into getting a home study for adoption, or consulted a lawyer, or really many of the other little tasks we’re going to take on.  And no, we don’t really have a spare $2000 each month, but are certainly closer to being financially stable than ever before. All we’ve actually *done* is read through the info from the local fertility clinic, a couple books, and researched a little in an attempt to understand the insanity of Health Canada regulations around sperm. (They consider it a drug.  I KID YOU NOT.)

Also, me being me, I’ve become addicted to lurking on a message board where baby-making queers from around the world are chatting about their current tries at conception.  And of course, I’m also charting my basal body temperature every day… Just like I used to years ago, when I had a male, sperm-producing partner, and was trying to avoid pregnancy!  Except back then it was crazy stressful, and now I’m just really stoked about the fun science-experiment-aspect of it.  I recently spat onto a scrap of glass, let it dry, then looked at it through my microscope and was able to predict my upcoming ovulation based on the crystalized patterns of my estrogen-enriched saliva… Science!

The main thing is, we’re off on a bit of an adventure here, different from what we’ve done in the past and from what we’d thought we might be doing.  It’s exciting, and a little crazy, and I guess that’s probably a totally excellent place to be.