My body says Yes.

I keep telling myself that everything’s fine. I’m not stressed, says my brain. Nothing is wrong. No reason to panic. My body, however, says Yes. Yes, panic, it says, and repeatedly floods itself with the icy rush of anxiety. Or, since my brain seems to be monopolizing the more literary communication skills I have at my disposal, my body is instead rebelling: I’ve got cold sores erupting on my upper lip, in a burning cluster of ugly pain. This is the second time in my adult life that I’ve ever had cold sores, the first being when my ex and I broke up a few years ago. It’s as clear a sign of unresolved issues if there ever was one.

So, really:  What’s wrong?  Well, not much, and too many things.  I’ve long struggled with rather illogical anxiety, so it doesn’t always matter how real the threats are… I perceive them as threats for one reason or another, and it can take a lot to talk me down.

I’m worried about my job interview next week on the mainland, worried that I won’t do well enough on the assessments, that I’m not strong enough for the physical components or smart enough for the academic.  Then I worry about what will happen if I do get the job, and have to spend the next four years in totally remote parts of the province where I’ll have to devote my days to fighting loneliness and small-town-narrowmindedness.  And bears. And travel-exhaustion, from all the monthly jaunts to visit my beloved in our home city.

If I don’t get the job, I still need to figure out something else to do to make a living because I need to get out of this current position.  I just hate it, and worse, am quite bad at it.  Telemarketing, even for a non-profit, even for useful services, is simply beyond my skills.  And I’m not even super-keen on developing the needed skills, because really?  I’ve got other skills, and I’d rather hone them instead.  Give me a cafe, or a market stall, or an event, or an electrical system, or something to plan/fix/organize!  I’m wishing I’d taken the local college’s intro to bookkeeping course at night school last year, because at least then I’d have a steady way of generating income in between electrical gigs or while developing my own business.  The wretched thing is that I’m having nightmares about getting fired from this job, which somehome feels more shameful than getting fired from a job I like.  Deep down, I suppose I believe I should be let go, because I sure as hell wouldn’t keep on someone as inept as I am.

…Annnnnnnnnnd I just had a brief phone chat with a friend, who told me that another friend (though more someone I only know through parties) had a stroke and is in the hospital.  And that, dear readers, is where this pity party for FG ends, because these past twelve months have seen too much illness and death among my cohort.  Being reminded of this has a way of putting all other shit in perspective, hardcore.


9 responses to “My body says Yes.

  1. I have a very simple solution that I have been using over the past few weeks:

    I wait, I listen to the heart-beats and I listen to the short-breaths. I listen to my body and then I breathe in, and I breathe out, I breathe in and I breathe out. Slowly, deep, I breathe into those parts of my body that are freaking out.

    (I’ve kept the anxiety attacks at bay so far, though the stress is very much present, but I’ve been getting by well enough.)

    Good luck with it all.


  2. I used to get those, anxiety attacks and my method was…well, insane but, it worked, I would scream at myself inside my head, stop this you fool you are fine, like I said insane!! The only job I was ever fired from was a telemarketing job, it sucked, both the job and the firing. Hang in there:-)
    I Know you will get the job with Hydro.

  3. I know what it’s like to be in a position where you’re in a bad job that doesn’t match your skill set and you’re so afraid of being fired that the dread seems into your nightmares. I guess the main point of fear I felt is that my old employer had low standards for hiring, and if I didn’t meet their expectations then there was no way in hell I would qualify for a job I actually did like.

    Fingers crossed for you…

  4. I once had a job as a tele marketer when I was in High School. It was a free job, and I hated it. You know, some times we just have to let it go. The anxiety, the fear, the NOT knowing. We are powerless over people, places and things. And in sobriety that works really well.

    If you are meant for a job it will come. You’ve done homework and you know what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are as well. At some point the universe is gonna show you something better, wait on it.

    I know finding work is a bitch, here in Quebec too. I am working on my French as we speak.

    You know, you just got to relax and let it go. The longer you hang on to dread and fear the more sores are gonna appear on your face and in your soul. when it all seems so tough, remember to breathe. Because if you stop breathing you’re dead.

    Hang in there … One day at a time, Stay in your day, that’s all we have is today.


  5. feralgeographer

    Thank you, all… Thank you. Your kind words and advice and reassurances are pretty much exactly what I need right now, and I appreciate your support.

    When I try to explain blogging to non-bloggers, they often say that they don’t understand why anyone would care to share their lives with strangers instead of real-life friends. Well, this is what I wish I could convey: I love my real-life friends dearly, and they are great at giving advice and support, but it’s completely different from the blog realm. There’s so much intimacy that can come with creating an online space like this, especially as an anonymous blogger. I could be anyone. You could be anyone. The content’s free, and there is nothing forcing me to write or you to read. The fact that anyone would comment here at all is profoundly validating to me, and while I try to remember to write for myself above all, sometimes your words are all I need to feel better.

  6. You and I seem to have this quirk in common. I too find myself panicing about all of this stuff, to the point of cold sores and headaches, and whatever else might find it’s way into my life.

    As much as it’s a pain in the keester, it’s really part of who we are. Learning how to control it, like you’re attempting to do is helpful.

    I wish you much luck, and I know that this job, when you get it, will be a stepping stone to something much greater, much more unified with who you are, and the skills you possess.

    • Thanks so much… The cold sore had mercifully faded to a big scab on my lip by the time I had to face the interviewers, so I decided that it made me look “tough”, instead of like a total stress-case. You get headaches as well? Oh, I’m lucky that those are rarely my problem… There was another candidate who developed a migraine during the screening, and I felt so bad for him.

  7. I love blogging. It gives me a place to vent freely when I need to, or just shoot of random thoughts that come into my head. I haven’t given out the link to a lot of my friends, in fact there are only two people I know that have my address, one is also a blogger, and the other is a friend who I like to talk to, that doesn’t live in my city. The others are all people that I’ve met online that I’ve never met in real life.

    Keep up the job hunt, I’m onto my fifth interview today. Been applying to everything across the board. Shoe store, hardware store, cell phone stores, eateries and call centers that don’t deal with credit cards or technical products. Sometimes I like to think I can do anything, however just need a foot in the door and a little encouragement. Loving to learn and read helps a lot.

    You will get something, and hopefully you’ll like what you do. Keep it up.


  8. Good luck to you too! And yes, I also try to impress upon any potential hiring committee that I love to learn, because that’s pretty much how I’ve succeeded at any job I’ve had.

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