So, I let go.

Oh, “letting go”… This one’s both the easiest and hardest of all the Reverb 10 blog post prompts thus far.

I let go of someone in 2010, but the feeling is not so much of having let go of a person as much as it is of letting go of an object. That’s what our relationship had become: I can’t even call it a friendship, because it was so absolutely frought with difficulties that it had warped into a giant weighted sphere from which came a series of barbed connections. It was an object that we held between us. As long as I had the energy to hold up this sphere, the barbs didn’t seem to matter, and instead felt comfortable even though they were anchored into my flesh. But when I couldn’t sustain the weight, and had to relax my arms, the barbs pulled and tore and hurt like hell.

Not the most eloquent of analogies, but I think you get the point. Basically, I had a really shitty time in the start of 2010, and I needed support from a friend who not only couldn’t provide it but actually turned on me when I expressed this need. So, I let go. And it’s been great. Almost a year has passed, and in the time I’ve had to reflect on the situation, I’ve realized what I miss most about this former friend is something that we’d enjoyed together a long time in the past. Also, I’ve realized that I can still enjoy good memories without feeling obliged to currently be friends with someone who isn’t good for me.

In fact, I feel stronger for having gone through this whole experience, because I’ve learned a lot about how to be realistic about my needs and energies in platonic relationships. Too much of the time, my romantic nature has gotten in the way of taking care of myself in relation to how others treat me, and I needed to learn how to negotiate this in friendships.  

Which sounds cold, I suppose, but that’s not how I mean it…  I’m not going around “letting go” of “non-useful” friends left, right, and centre!  However, I am more likely to consider the ups and downs of a friendship as a whole, and appreciate how well we fit together at this current point in our lives.  Who knows, maybe we’ll be at a better place for BFF status in 10 years time.

[So this is Day 5 of Reverb 10, and I seemed to have skipped Day 4.  That’s okay by me.]

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3 responses to “So, I let go.

  1. I congratulate you on taking on Reverb 10; I think it’s very courageous. The writing itself wouldn’t bother me, but hell, having to reflect of things gone by would demand too much emotional and intellectual energy than I could handle. But then, maybe once I get the thesis done, get a job and let things settle down a bit for me, I’d be more prepared to do it.

    For now, I am playing the denial game, or rather the let’s-ignore-it game.

    Even if you skip days, I’m impressed by your willingness to embrace such a demanding project!

  2. This is an amazing post and in some ways I can relate. Thanks for stopping by my blog and letting me into the tidbits of your life.

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