The linear, the logical, the structured, the simple and the clear.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the choices I’ve made in the past year, because it feels like so much has changed in these twelve months.

Overall, there’s a pattern: I’ve been attracted to things that are
– duh –
– duhduh –
– duhduhduh –

Which is to say: The linear, the logical, the structured, the simple and the clear.

Becoming an electrician was hugely appealing for this very reason, as the apprenticeship system is strict and unvarying. Ditto for my brief foray into tai chi, which I tried for several weeks back in the fall. Also, the domestic life I’ve been developing, consciously or not… Hell, we actually bought a car last month! And I mean a nice car, not a beater.

I love these things, and crave them: A framework, security, knowing my role, feeling in place. But once I’ve attained them, am ensconced in my web, I’m constricted and want it to be different.

With trade school, and then my construction job, this is perfectly understandable. The things that dragged me down while in that realm were things that no one should have to tolerate, such as the loss of dignity and respect that accompany homophobia and sexism. But also there was my desire to take the trade in a different direction, to incorporate sustainability and accountability into the work we were doing: I wanted room for that in the structure, and there simply wasn’t any.

Instead it was all
– duh –
– duhduh –
– duhduhduh –

My experience with tai chi was similar, because though I really loved the people, I had trouble with how limited the actual movements were, how little discussion there was of what it all meant, how the progression from position to position didn’t vary.

And I don’t mean to rain on my happy home, because fuck knows I depend on its warmth and coziness! Still, as much as I work to attain a calm domesticity, I also feel stressed by the routine and work and simple neccessity of order.

This is what I think of it all: When I see something that’s all
– duh –
– duhduh –
– duhduhduh –
I see it as being holistically ordered, when it isn’t. It may be an ordered movement or progression, but only in terms of time and place. What I’m craving is order beyond time and place: I want my emotions and thoughts to be ordered too, because I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m frequently being told that’s how I should be. I tell myself this too, to be honest, because it’s easier than really looking into all the other things I’ve always wanted to do: Get my pilot’s license, bike across the country, write a book or two, learn Irish, etc. So then I remember these other goals and dreams, and get tense with whatever structure I’ve imposed on my life.

It’s a funny ambivalence, to crave the same things I’m wanting to shrug off.

And on that note, I’m going to bed, because tomorrow’s my 29th birthday and I need to be well-rested. Rumour has is that the day is starting with a special breakfast treat: Peameal bacon! Mmmm, bacon… Oats is so good to me, that you’d never even guess she’s a vegetarian. Now that’s special.

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2 responses to “The linear, the logical, the structured, the simple and the clear.

  1. Sending you birthday greetings and salutations. Make it a great day.

    Jeremy

  2. feralgeographer

    Thanks, Jeremy! It was a great day… For the first time in my life, I was very happy to spend my birthday at work, because I find my job so enjoyable and purposeful. Unfortunately, I *did* get a wicked sunburn, but it was worth it.

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