a mellowing… or resignation.

remember this time last year? i was freaking out over a rent increase notice. I couldn’t sleep at night, because $22 more each month was a terrifying prospect. I was making plans to move in with friends, ready to give up my apartment because it suddenly seemed expensive.

Which of course it was: all housing is expensive in this city, particularly so when you’re the only one paying rent.

However, my apartment was also a great deal, considering its location and size. It took several friends to convince me of this, and I’m very grateful that they did: now that there is two of us living in it (plus two non-human freeloaders), I really appreciate having this cozy home.

Looking back, my panic reminds me of that first time when i didn’t have enough money to pay off my monthly visa bill. prior to that day, i’d never used my credit card for more than what i actually had in my bank account. when i realized that i couldn’t pay the whole bill, i cried and felt guilty and was certain that I was about to start down a long road of debt and destruction. Now that debt has been normalized in my life, I realize that what freaked me out wasn’t the amount of money, it was the idea of not being in control of it.

Which I got over, just like I got over rent increases. another one arrived this past week, and i almost forgot to mention it to b. “oh,” she said. “yeah,” i replied. then we went on to talk about something interesting.

[photo: all of b’s possesions in my porch, from a lovely day in august when she moved in with me]


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