Two classmates just favourably compared me to Kaylee from the (canceled) television show Firefly. For those of you not in the know, Kaylee is the ace mechanic on the good (space) ship Serenity and is known for her adeptness with machines as well as her cheerful demeanor. I pointed out to my classmates that Kaylee doesn’t swear as much as I do, and is certainly much nicer to her fellow crew, but still… I’m pretty pleased. Kaylee’s shipmate Zoe is obviously much cooler, with her calm critical eye and dead aim, not to mention the leather belts/boots/vests, but let’s face it: I’ve always been better at fixing things than shooting them, and am more likely to be wearing grease than armour.
Filed under: Activist, Critic, Feminist, Queer, Reader, Sailor, Scifi Fan, Writer
i like to read. not a shock, i know.
i like to read books from a variety of genres and on variety of topics. in fact, i’ll read just about anything available. when given options, i’m especially fond of science fiction, travelogues by women, non-fiction historical narratives, and how-to manuals.
lately, i’ve been reading about australian history, australian women in antarctica, aboriginal australian experiences, and bike trips in australia, with a harry potter novel thrown in to lighten everything up a bit. with a holiday coming up next week, when i’ll have 12 days away from my computer, i decided that i wanted some good fiction to enjoy at the beach.
so, off to the library.
i went to the fiction section, and was quickly overwhelmed, because it was all ordered by author and i wasn’t in the mood for the long browse that may have been necessary for me to find something appealing.
well, i thought to myself, what do i want to read? i want a novel, i decided, about australian queer women. i would like to have a better idea about the lives of dykes in this country, and anyway, if there’s romance in a novel, it’s easier for me to enjoy it when i don’t have to change too many pronouns in order to identify with a protagonist.
i went to the public computer terminal and entered “lesbian fiction” into the catalogue search field. a new page appeared, with a large black square in the middle: under the image of an exclamation point, it read “oops! you’re not allowed to look at that!”
wtf?
i went back, and tried just “lesbian”.
same result.
maybe it’s under “gay”, i thought… but all that garnered was a ton of results such as under “gay men – health” and “gay men – relationships”, etc etc etc.
i tried “lesbian” again.
this time, the warning message read “if you keep this up, there will be consequences”
consequences?
if by “this”, they meant being queer, then yes, there seems to be a “consequence”: i have to deal with homophobic bullshit from software at the public library.
for a moment, i was at a loss for what to do. on one hand, i wanted to just say FUCK IT, and leave, because i shouldn’t have to out myself in order to find a good book.
but on the other hand, what about the folks coming in to the library who are questioning their sexual identity, or supporting someone who is? they’ll be even less likely to seek out a librarian’s help… i know, because i spent most of my coming out days in the library.
i took a deep breath, calmed my righteous anger and fear, and found a librarian to join me at the computer. as politely as possible, i told her what i wanted and what searches i’d tried. she told me that it was “a bug in the system” for the public catalogue terminals, and tried the same searches, with the same results.
i gave an awkward little laugh and said, “a bug? hmmm… yeah, all i could think was that that’s kinda offensive!”
she tried on her own computer, where there are no blocks (or “bugs”), and said that all she could find were some short stories. i thanked her, and went to get them: it was a collection of contemporary lesbian love stories, all by american and canadian authors.
le sigh.
i returned to the public terminal and searched the catalogue for something by emma donoghue. her novel hood is just about my favourite book, but i’ve missed the rest of her work. happily, i found one of her books. also, a sarah waters novel: i’ve never read anything of hers, but it’s been recommended. in the catalogue, i saw that they also had laurie j. marks’ elemental logic trilogy, which i’m tempted to re-read.
after examining the catalogue some more, i realized that there were no subject tags on any of the fiction listings. this made me feel a bit better, if only because queer novels aren’t the only ones lost in the multitude of themes. however, it also annoyed me, because it is inefficient. what if i was on a real nautical kick, and wanted some sea-going adventures to compliment my love of c.s. forester’s hornblower? how would i find out about patrick o’brian?
that’s a misleading analogy, of course. there is a very big difference between wanting a book about sailors and a book about queers. last time i checked, sailors aren’t being mocked, abused, legally oppressed, or murdered for being who they are.
i believe that fiction plays a vital role for queers learning to accept ourselves. when i was coming to terms with my sexuality, a self-help book on “how to come out” (or whatever) was the last book i’d have taken from the library: it was too forthright and intimidating. but jane rule’s after the fire? that was easy, because the story wasn’t “real”: joining the protagonist on her journey allowed me to explore the concept of my queerness without forcing it into fact before i was ready. through fiction, i could delve into the lives of queer women and become familiar with them at a distance that still felt intimate.
we need queer fiction to counteract the stress of homophobia, which is linked to the over-representation of queers in treatment for depression. for the health of the community, queer fiction needs to be easy to access, and public libraries need to assist with this task. an easy solution is the application of subject headings to all fiction, which increases its relevance to all library users: the sailors as well as the queers.
back to the “bug”. if the public library software won’t allow access to resources associated with a sector of society which is currently struggling for equality in the face of severe oppression, THAT’S MORE THAN A BUG. even if the blockage of results from a search of the word “lesbian” is a coincidence, the results are offensive at best. at worst, they are damaging, because they discourage people from finding help they may desperately need. hell, i’m out and proud, and even i got shaky knees at the prospect of having to ask a librarian for queer books!
my roommate said that a “bug” such as this warrants a sign next to each public computer terminal, which 1) explains that certain valid search words may incorrectly garner a warning, 2) states that the error will be fixed within a given time frame, and 3) directs clients to seek the assistance of a librarian should the error arise.
damn right!
i’m going to go write a looooooooong letter to the head librarian right now.
then, i’m going to use the internet to find some novels about australian queer women.
…by which i mean, of course, that the items to be given away are definitely great, it’s just that there’s only three of them, and they’re rather pre-loved. also, my dear readers aren’t that numerous, so i doubt the competition will be fierce enough to qualify as “great”.
at any rate…
while perusing my shelves yesterday, i realized that i have two copies of each of the following books, and i’d like to pass the doubles on to new homes. want one? just throw in a comment, and i’ll mail it to you! first three commenters win!
and if this goes well, next week i’m using the same tactic to pawn off the cat and an old couch.
the books are:
Filed under: Animal Lover, Athlete, Bike Geek, Co-operator, Critic, Homebody, Queer, Reader, Sailor, Scifi Fan, Student
wrist
the nerve conduction testing was good, in terms of results as well as experience. the tests felt the same as when i’ve accidentally touched an electric fence; i doubt it will surprise you to learn that this is a mistake that i’ve made many, many times. the other folks in the waiting room seemed pretty old and feeble, which might explain why the doctor was so enthusiastic about my health: in direct contrast to the other two doctors that i’ve seen about my wrist, this specialist said it was great that i’d been able to assemble a bike with a coaster brake so that i could rest my hands while riding. the others told me i couldn’t cycle anymore. they also told me i should find a new career, one that didn’t involve my hands. ha! instead, the specialist asked me a lot about my life, and then said that i seem like i’m someone who simply is very hard on my hands, and that i need to learn my limits. huh? limits? que es?
anyway, to summarize: tests are normal, i’m to get an ultrasound and blood tests to see if anything else could be causing the pain/stiffness, the doc doesn’t recommend surgery, and i’m to check-in after i get home from oz in august. i still have days when i’m shocked by how weak my hand is, but it’s manageable.
dog
my ex has gone away for ten days, and so i have her dog. it’s nice, though i’ve been driving everywhere instead of biking: dawson does not do the bike trailer. still, we’ve been walking a lot, and i have plans to do an overnight next weekend… maybe to mystic beach, or sombrio.
house
i’m waiting to hear back from my landlady about subletting my place while i’m away; she might prefer to take this opportunity to end my tenancy, then renovate and turn the apartment into a vacation rental for wheelchair-users. as sad as i’d be to lose my home, i love that idea! though, i think the driveway is too steep for anyone without a powerchair or companion… but i could be wrong about that.
work
i’m having a meeting this weekend with a couple of conspirators, to talk about drawing up a business plan for a co-op. like, for realz: i want a job that has meaning, and i want to use my skills, and i want to work with people who share my values, ethics, and goals. as much as the deconstruction of my workplace has really sucked, it’s creating a situation in which i now know a couple of people who are in this exact same position. up from the ashes, my friends, our phoenix shall rise.
school
fuck, i hate it when academics tell me that i’m wasting my life by not going to grad school.
i mean, it bugs me when people in general say this, but i forgive them because i figure they don’t know that of which they speak. but academics? and specifically the one who’s responsible for creating such a craptastic work environment these past 6 months? yeah, NO. go away.
wardrobe
i went to a clothing exchange this past saturday, and gave away ~1/3 my shirts plus a whole bunch of stuff that i’d barely worn since picking it up at the last clothing exchange that was populated by this same group of people. we just keep switching outfits: it’s pretty fun to watch. i came away with a cute pair of shoes and two dresses: a more utilitarian one that i wore to work at the bike shop yesterday, and a fancier one that i’ll be saving for an upcoming hot date (i believe the term “pin-up girl” was included in the comments made when i tried it on).
run
i’m on week 5 of the c0uch to 5k running program. it’s the second time i’ve gotten to this point, and i’m looking forward to pushing past it instead of getting distracted as i have in the past. two things are making it easier this time: one is that i’m running with my lover, whose chosen pseudonym is oats (i’ll have to get her to explain that one), and she’s just as wheezy as i am. three cheers for asthmatics! the other thing making it easier is that we’re running on our lunch breaks. aside from the bonus of post-run showers, a midday run puts me in a better position to maintain my daily cycling commute. before, i would get up and run, then eat breakfast, and then ride 10k: it was too much for me, and i’d feel drained all day. now i feel like the hours spent at my desk between activities are well-earned rest and snacking periods.
book
some friends of oats’ were getting rid of several boxes of books, and i got to go through them. score! a copy of herland, charlotte perkins gilman’s 1915 utopian feminist novel! there’s an excellent review over at the feminist sci-fi blog.
sail
my boss gave me a woolen sailing sweater that she bought in france, eons ago. it’s all rad and stripey and warm as-all-get-out, and has buttons on the shoulder. i can’t wait to wear it out on the water… or incorporate it into another sort of situation… “oui oui, vien ici, ma petite chaton, heh heh heh…”
bike
yesterday i was reminded of a valuable lesson: before putting all the effort into dismantling, cleaning, greasing, and reassembling the hub of the rear wheel for that crusty raleigh cruiser you’re rebuilding, check the rim. just… look at it. if you do this, you may notice the massive fucking rusty bulge on the side of the rim, a bulge that is impossible to hammer out. then you will have the opportunity to stop and find yourself a new wheel or rim, before you’ve wasted most of your day on something that is not worthwhile.
this, my friends, is why i remain a devoted bike geek instead of a paid bike mechanic.
[photo: dawson at mystic beach, august 2007]
Filed under: Co-operator, Cynic, Dreamer, Family Member, Feminist, Friend, Queer, Reader, Scifi Fan, Student, Traveler, Worker
there’s nothing like hanging out with a regular reader to remind a blogger of all the things she’s left hanging over the past several posts. last week, i was lucky enough to share breakfast with the sagacious rrr (and his equally astute romantic companion), and the dude was all like: “ummm… aren’t you supposed to be in japan right now?”
oooh, right… maybe i shouldn’t use this space as a *partial* brain dump, considering that somebody reading it might be wanting continuity or an actual storyline or even just the odd tying-up-of-loose-ends. obviously, it’d be better it i simply downloaded all contents of my mind into these pages. or stop blogging. how about i compromise, and do a monday round-up post?
japan
i’m not going. reasons: i can’t afford it. my regular life is too full of stress as it is, and trying to make it in a country where i don’t speak the language will be very exhausting. my main reason for wanting to go was because i wanted to spend time with m., and really, we could easily do that right here in the city where we both live. my other main reason for wanting to go was because i wanted to live in a different part of the world, and i’m eternally grateful to m. for getting me thinking about this, cuz honestly: until that afternoon when we bumped into one another and she started talking about japan, i had forgotten that i could leave this island.
australia
i’m going. i have a plane ticket to melbourne: i’m leaving on april 3rd and coming back on august 10th. i have a work visa, and hopefully will be able to room with friends (if they find a big enough place!). otherwise, i’ll just find some rad unknown roommates, ideally bike geeks who are down with critical analysis, queers, co-ops, and DIY. from what i hear of the city, this should not be too hard. my friend who is living in melbourne has been recommending clothing choices, my mom sent me the lonely planet guide to east coast australia, and i’ve got a very wonderful person making plans to visit me there in june: these things make it feel more real, because suddenly it’s not all in my head.
job
i started a new contract today, and as per my request, it’s only three months long. this morning, i told my boss that i’ll be leaving after that, and she told me that she doesn’t blame me, considering the situation around here (currently, a power-struggle involving the five project directors… five!!!). so, i’ve got twelve weeks to wind up and document 2.5 years worth of publications and event coordination: a sincerely delightful prospect.
school
i took a class this past term, something you may not have known because i barely mentioned it. it was a graduate level course, though i was taking it as a non-degree undergrad… the only one in a seminar with 7 other students who were all working on their masters’ degrees. this could have been overwhelming, but was actually quite good. i do well with a small audience. the course was in feminist research methodologies: i loved it, i hated it, i was in frequent crisis about it… and i pulled off an A, as well as a general sense of relief that i didn’t get accepted into graduate school cuz otherwise my days would be full of that sort of thing.
instead of trying for graduate school again, i am back to thinking about my plan to become an electrician. i couldget some scholarships and start the 6 month foundation program next fall, with the long term plan of getting together with all my other rad tradeswomen friends and forming a feminist workers’ co-op contracting business. eventually, we’ll get our own reality teevee show, in which pink will act as host while we build affordable and sustainable housing, are damn clever, and look damn hot. we’ll mentor young women in trades, and generally be a successful community economic development initiative. yay, dreams! srsly, it could be fantastic.
carpal tunnel
my (hawt) acupuncturist went to india, and i’m no longer a student so don’t have extended health coverage and thus cannot afford the massage therapist. have not been to a doctor in months, and don’t plan on it. i wear the wrist brace (fake-honky-flesh-tone corset!) most nights while sleeping, and received a p0werb@ll gyroscopic hand-exerciser-thingy as a solstice gift, which i think has been helping. for the most part, i’m hardly in pain anymore: my wrist is just very stiff, sometimes the fingers are numb, and it cracks a lot when i twist it. i’m going to start a 12-week set of (queer!) yoga classes next week, to aid in strengthening muscles as well as relaxation.
new year’s eve
i spent nye waiting for my neighbours to arrive home from south carolina, because we had plans to eat dinner, drink wine, and fry some oliebollen. they never showed up (stranded in toronto), so i had an unexpected and delightful night with my best friend instead. we had such a good time, it’s surprising that we didn’t plan it. or maybe that’s partly what made it so good.
reading
current books that lay half-read next to my bed are alanya to alanya (2005) by l. timmel duchamp, marion zimmer bradley’s the winds of darkover (1970), and sappho was a right-on woman: a liberated view of lesbianism (1972) by sidney abbott and barbara love. i love sci-fi, i love feminism, i love stuff from the seventies. right on!
family
for solstice, i bought my 18-year-old sister some lube and a vibrator.
Filed under: Foodie, Homebody, Radio Star, Reader, Scifi Fan, Worker, Writer
the rain started on wednesday night, or at least that’s when it really started to come down. i biked home from work and it was stilll just grey grey grey. by yesterday morning, there were torrents. at 7:30 am, my best friend and i sat on the couch drinking coffee while looking out at the trees across my yard, and considered how important it was or was not that we leave the house.
just walking to the bus stop, my skirt and leggings were soaked.
halfway through my radio show, i read out the upcoming weather report: rain rain rain, all the way through to next week.
which is why, upon waking this morning to an even worse sore throat and aching head than i had yesterday, i contently went back to sleep instead of going to work. my boss is out of town anyway, and everything i should be doing could be done from home. truthfully, i probably won’t get much done, but whatever: i’m sick, it’s raining. time for reading (earth logic by laurie j. marks), low-effort cooking (black beans now on stove, will be spiced with chipotle for dinner tonight), cuddling (26 pounds of purr currently weighing down my lap) and watching movies (film noir! today’s choice is the big clock, followed by witness to murder). also, of course, blogging: can’t forget about the blogging, nosiree.
i’m going to see ursula k. leguin speak at the vancouver international writers festival!!!
a friend has the contract to do their website and he hired me to do bits of it. i happened to mention to him that as boring as coding can be, this was an enjoyable job because some of my favourite artists are gonna be at this year’s fest… including shaun tan, kinnie starr, ivan e. coyote, and of course ursula k. leguin. he arranged to get me free tickets to see her! even better, it’s “an intimate evening with”: all leguin, all the time.
i am so stoked.
now, do i bring *all* of my books to be autographed, or only my favourite? or do i act cool and calm, and simply listen to her talk instead of behaving as fanatical as i feel?
Have been terribly lax about my job lately: late both today and on Friday. I shouldn’t let myself take advantage of the laissez-faire attitude of my boss and co-workers, because I know I’ll exploit it until someone calls me on my flakiness and then I’ll be crushed, because I honestly do like my job. But. But sometimes other things just seem way more important!
Things such as… reading.
When I finished this past school term, I began a gluttonous rampage of consuming every novel I could find. As long as it didn’t explicitly mention geography, critical discourse analysis, or physical manifestations of capitalism, I was desperate for it. I read some hilariously crappy books, and some that aren’t worth mentioning, and some that got me thinking… and I enjoyed every single one of them if only because they let my mind go places that it hadn’t been allowed to visit during that last push to finish my degree. I’ve slowed down a bit lately, have stopped gorging myself and have re-learned how to be discerning, how to follow specific writers or topics or themes and be critically appreciative.
But, I’m still finding reading to be very high on my list of priorities, to the point where I’d rather read than go to work.
The latest culprit is “James Tiptree Jr.: The Double Life of Alice B. Sheldon”, by Julie Philips. I’d seen the review in the Globe and Mail when the biography was first published a year or so ago, but it wasn’t until I read one of Tiptree’s novels during my Utah trip that I went to find it at the library. It is fascinating. Tiptree was fascinating. For those of you who don’t know, James Tiptree Jr. was a famous science fiction author who maintained correspondence with other sci-fi luminaries such as Joanna Russ and Ursula K. LeGuin. He was known as sympathetic to the women’s liberation movement, and sometimes considered a feminist. He was eventually revealed to be the creation of Alice B. Sheldon, a woman who felt that the only way she could articulate the meaning of what it meant to be female was to impersonate a male. Heavy stuff, especially considering the contemporary analysis of gender and sexuality that dominates my own politic. What would Tiptree say to the concept of gender as a spectrum, and a socially-created one at that?
Other notes from the book: When Sheldon was in her late-40s and trying to validate her desire to pursue academic studies in psychology, she was up against a life-long lesson which told her that a heroic and proper life is all about self-sacrifice. How could she put her energy into reading books and writing essays that few people would ever see, simply for her own intellectual gratification? Her struggle brought her to the idea of entropy: the whole universe is naturally inclined to disorder and chaos. In studying, researching and writing academic works, Sheldon was countering this: she was imposing order. By attempting to impose order in a system that fought it, she could consider herself to be fighting the universe and even time itself. THAT, she decided, was a worthy cause.
I used to read biographies all the time, especially when I was 12 and 13 years old. It could be anyone who’d done anything, I hardly cared: I just wanted to know what the lives of other people were like, because I wanted to be a hero and wasn’t sure how. Then I stopped, because I felt like I couldn’t ever be like the people I read about. In the Tiptree biography, I’m reminded of that disappointment, because I realize that what I didn’t know back then was how the world was changing, and that I was living during that change. If only someone had told me! But nobody knew to: I think most people either ignore the fact that society is a dynamic construct, or take it for granted. They certainly don’t bother to mention it to prickly and depressed pubescent girls who always have their nose in a book.
This was supposed to be a review of the Tiptree biography. Oh well. I tried. Let me end by telling you that I ordered a copy of the book to be sent to my mother, whose collection of Ray Bradbury novels got me thinking about the possibilities of the future in the first place. I can’t wait to hear what she thinks of it.
