i started school on tuesday and thus far, it’s great, though VERY time consuming. between that and the canning, plus the fact that i have amazing friends and a new bike… well, yeah: the writing is not happening.
but that’s what summer is for!
my bike and oats' on the ferry to vesuvius, loaded down with gear during last weekend's bike trip
Filed under: Activist, Critic, Feminist, Queer, Reader, Sailor, Scifi Fan, Writer
i like to read. not a shock, i know.
i like to read books from a variety of genres and on variety of topics. in fact, i’ll read just about anything available. when given options, i’m especially fond of science fiction, travelogues by women, non-fiction historical narratives, and how-to manuals.
lately, i’ve been reading about australian history, australian women in antarctica, aboriginal australian experiences, and bike trips in australia, with a harry potter novel thrown in to lighten everything up a bit. with a holiday coming up next week, when i’ll have 12 days away from my computer, i decided that i wanted some good fiction to enjoy at the beach.
so, off to the library.
i went to the fiction section, and was quickly overwhelmed, because it was all ordered by author and i wasn’t in the mood for the long browse that may have been necessary for me to find something appealing.
well, i thought to myself, what do i want to read? i want a novel, i decided, about australian queer women. i would like to have a better idea about the lives of dykes in this country, and anyway, if there’s romance in a novel, it’s easier for me to enjoy it when i don’t have to change too many pronouns in order to identify with a protagonist.
i went to the public computer terminal and entered “lesbian fiction” into the catalogue search field. a new page appeared, with a large black square in the middle: under the image of an exclamation point, it read “oops! you’re not allowed to look at that!”
wtf?
i went back, and tried just “lesbian”.
same result.
maybe it’s under “gay”, i thought… but all that garnered was a ton of results such as under “gay men – health” and “gay men – relationships”, etc etc etc.
i tried “lesbian” again.
this time, the warning message read “if you keep this up, there will be consequences”
consequences?
if by “this”, they meant being queer, then yes, there seems to be a “consequence”: i have to deal with homophobic bullshit from software at the public library.
for a moment, i was at a loss for what to do. on one hand, i wanted to just say FUCK IT, and leave, because i shouldn’t have to out myself in order to find a good book.
but on the other hand, what about the folks coming in to the library who are questioning their sexual identity, or supporting someone who is? they’ll be even less likely to seek out a librarian’s help… i know, because i spent most of my coming out days in the library.
i took a deep breath, calmed my righteous anger and fear, and found a librarian to join me at the computer. as politely as possible, i told her what i wanted and what searches i’d tried. she told me that it was “a bug in the system” for the public catalogue terminals, and tried the same searches, with the same results.
i gave an awkward little laugh and said, “a bug? hmmm… yeah, all i could think was that that’s kinda offensive!”
she tried on her own computer, where there are no blocks (or “bugs”), and said that all she could find were some short stories. i thanked her, and went to get them: it was a collection of contemporary lesbian love stories, all by american and canadian authors.
le sigh.
i returned to the public terminal and searched the catalogue for something by emma donoghue. her novel hood is just about my favourite book, but i’ve missed the rest of her work. happily, i found one of her books. also, a sarah waters novel: i’ve never read anything of hers, but it’s been recommended. in the catalogue, i saw that they also had laurie j. marks’ elemental logic trilogy, which i’m tempted to re-read.
after examining the catalogue some more, i realized that there were no subject tags on any of the fiction listings. this made me feel a bit better, if only because queer novels aren’t the only ones lost in the multitude of themes. however, it also annoyed me, because it is inefficient. what if i was on a real nautical kick, and wanted some sea-going adventures to compliment my love of c.s. forester’s hornblower? how would i find out about patrick o’brian?
that’s a misleading analogy, of course. there is a very big difference between wanting a book about sailors and a book about queers. last time i checked, sailors aren’t being mocked, abused, legally oppressed, or murdered for being who they are.
i believe that fiction plays a vital role for queers learning to accept ourselves. when i was coming to terms with my sexuality, a self-help book on “how to come out” (or whatever) was the last book i’d have taken from the library: it was too forthright and intimidating. but jane rule’s after the fire? that was easy, because the story wasn’t “real”: joining the protagonist on her journey allowed me to explore the concept of my queerness without forcing it into fact before i was ready. through fiction, i could delve into the lives of queer women and become familiar with them at a distance that still felt intimate.
we need queer fiction to counteract the stress of homophobia, which is linked to the over-representation of queers in treatment for depression. for the health of the community, queer fiction needs to be easy to access, and public libraries need to assist with this task. an easy solution is the application of subject headings to all fiction, which increases its relevance to all library users: the sailors as well as the queers.
back to the “bug”. if the public library software won’t allow access to resources associated with a sector of society which is currently struggling for equality in the face of severe oppression, THAT’S MORE THAN A BUG. even if the blockage of results from a search of the word “lesbian” is a coincidence, the results are offensive at best. at worst, they are damaging, because they discourage people from finding help they may desperately need. hell, i’m out and proud, and even i got shaky knees at the prospect of having to ask a librarian for queer books!
my roommate said that a “bug” such as this warrants a sign next to each public computer terminal, which 1) explains that certain valid search words may incorrectly garner a warning, 2) states that the error will be fixed within a given time frame, and 3) directs clients to seek the assistance of a librarian should the error arise.
damn right!
i’m going to go write a looooooooong letter to the head librarian right now.
then, i’m going to use the internet to find some novels about australian queer women.
Filed under: Sailor
my phone rang as i was walking down the street, and a man asked to speak to me. well, actually, he asked to speak to the person who has my name. which is me. but he was confused by this.
“oh, it’s just that i was expecting a bloke,” he explained.
“no, i’m me,” i replied in a friendly tone of voice. because really, what else could i say?
up to this point, i though it was about a job. then the man introduced himself as a member of the local multihull yacht association, and said that he’d heard i want to go sailing. “yes!” i yelped.
i’d sent the group an email a few weeks ago, explaining who i am and giving the name of the boat and skipper with whom i’ve sailed in home waters. i got a couple of friendly emails in response, and i gave them my phone number in case there was an opportunity for me to crew at some point.
so now i’m getting picked up @ 6:30 am tomorrow morning, to go out sailing for the day on a… trimaran? catamaran? i forgot to ask, because i was too excited… and maybe a bit nervous that if i asked too many questions, my invitation would get revoked, since my unintentional gender-subterfuge has been discovered.
yay! i’m going sailing!
The view across my tidal pool (Mornington Peninsula National Park)
i travel with thumbs out, with a window seat on the greyhound, with a pair of facing benches on the train so that one can act as a foot rest, with a car from the decade of my birth and a credit card dedicated to the purchase of gasoline.
i love a good road trip, the kind where i have less than a day in most locations, so long as this is interrupted by 2 or 3 day long sojourns that make me feel as though i’ve lived in some towns forever by sheer contrast to the disruption of being on the move.
yes, i love to see the world pass from moving vehicle, but i also love to sit and pretend i am a local. i love small town libraries, thrift shops, cafés, public transit, and swimming holes. without these opportunities, i do not like the road tripping, do not like the pace of culture cramming. all of those “10 european cities in 10 days!” tours? never.
this is not how i was thinking about my trip to upcoming australia: it was not a road trip.
instead, i was thinking about it as a move: i am going to go to melbourne and live with my friends, get a thoughtless job in the service industry, and contemplate life in the big city as well as life back in canada.
that still might happen, but suddenly it might not. things aren’t working out very well for my friends, and it could mean that i won’t be living with them. not through any fault of theirs, i should make clear! they are lovely, and i’m hoping that their situations improve. however, in the meantime i’m looking at alternate plans, which to be frank i had not at all considered before now.
my headspace has been so desperately occupied lately by the drama at my office, and subletting my apartment, and getting rid of my junk, and spending time with all the people i’m going to miss while i’m away… that i’ve barely thought about what to do when i’m actually in melbourne. sure, i’ve mapped out the libraries closest to my friends’ house, and decided at which community radio station i want to volunteer, and checked out the queer event listings… but i’ve done nothing around the basics of shelter, transport, food. which is okay: i didn’t need to, and now i do, and it’s just a bit more excitement and adventure!
though i’d be lying if i didn’t also tell you that it’s more stress. but i can handle it.
the thing is, if i’m not going to live with my friends in melbourne, there’s very little reason for me to stay there. i’ll still fly into the city, and get a chance to see them for a bit, but then… why not go other places? mae callen suggested the whitsunday islands for some sailing adventures… why not? and tasmania sounds amazing too.
i can’t afford to travel much, but i can stretch my savings by joining WWOOF, and it looks like there’s plenty of opportunities all over the continent. i’d love to do that again, though i hadn’t planned on it… in the past, i’ve worked on farms in the yukon, in northwest france, in southern england, and on the scottish isle of eigg (population 73 person, at the time). some of the best experiences of my life have been through WWOOFing, and even the bad times have at least produced good stories.
maybe i could WWOOF at a farm or three, and use that to get my bearings while i find some paid work. ideally, i’ll find the sort of situation that has been offered to me at previous farms: half days of labour in exchange for room and partial board, leaving time for a part-time job. mayba barrista work, but maybe even with a sailmaker or a scuba instruction company or an upholstering shop or something else cool.
huh.
this post started all thoughtfulish and has now degenerated into rambling thoughts on the possibilities of my upcoming 4 months abroad. apologies: i’m all muddled. excited though… very excited.
Filed under: Animal Lover, Athlete, Bike Geek, Co-operator, Critic, Homebody, Queer, Reader, Sailor, Scifi Fan, Student
wrist
the nerve conduction testing was good, in terms of results as well as experience. the tests felt the same as when i’ve accidentally touched an electric fence; i doubt it will surprise you to learn that this is a mistake that i’ve made many, many times. the other folks in the waiting room seemed pretty old and feeble, which might explain why the doctor was so enthusiastic about my health: in direct contrast to the other two doctors that i’ve seen about my wrist, this specialist said it was great that i’d been able to assemble a bike with a coaster brake so that i could rest my hands while riding. the others told me i couldn’t cycle anymore. they also told me i should find a new career, one that didn’t involve my hands. ha! instead, the specialist asked me a lot about my life, and then said that i seem like i’m someone who simply is very hard on my hands, and that i need to learn my limits. huh? limits? que es?
anyway, to summarize: tests are normal, i’m to get an ultrasound and blood tests to see if anything else could be causing the pain/stiffness, the doc doesn’t recommend surgery, and i’m to check-in after i get home from oz in august. i still have days when i’m shocked by how weak my hand is, but it’s manageable.
dog
my ex has gone away for ten days, and so i have her dog. it’s nice, though i’ve been driving everywhere instead of biking: dawson does not do the bike trailer. still, we’ve been walking a lot, and i have plans to do an overnight next weekend… maybe to mystic beach, or sombrio.
house
i’m waiting to hear back from my landlady about subletting my place while i’m away; she might prefer to take this opportunity to end my tenancy, then renovate and turn the apartment into a vacation rental for wheelchair-users. as sad as i’d be to lose my home, i love that idea! though, i think the driveway is too steep for anyone without a powerchair or companion… but i could be wrong about that.
work
i’m having a meeting this weekend with a couple of conspirators, to talk about drawing up a business plan for a co-op. like, for realz: i want a job that has meaning, and i want to use my skills, and i want to work with people who share my values, ethics, and goals. as much as the deconstruction of my workplace has really sucked, it’s creating a situation in which i now know a couple of people who are in this exact same position. up from the ashes, my friends, our phoenix shall rise.
school
fuck, i hate it when academics tell me that i’m wasting my life by not going to grad school.
i mean, it bugs me when people in general say this, but i forgive them because i figure they don’t know that of which they speak. but academics? and specifically the one who’s responsible for creating such a craptastic work environment these past 6 months? yeah, NO. go away.
wardrobe
i went to a clothing exchange this past saturday, and gave away ~1/3 my shirts plus a whole bunch of stuff that i’d barely worn since picking it up at the last clothing exchange that was populated by this same group of people. we just keep switching outfits: it’s pretty fun to watch. i came away with a cute pair of shoes and two dresses: a more utilitarian one that i wore to work at the bike shop yesterday, and a fancier one that i’ll be saving for an upcoming hot date (i believe the term “pin-up girl” was included in the comments made when i tried it on).
run
i’m on week 5 of the c0uch to 5k running program. it’s the second time i’ve gotten to this point, and i’m looking forward to pushing past it instead of getting distracted as i have in the past. two things are making it easier this time: one is that i’m running with my lover, whose chosen pseudonym is oats (i’ll have to get her to explain that one), and she’s just as wheezy as i am. three cheers for asthmatics! the other thing making it easier is that we’re running on our lunch breaks. aside from the bonus of post-run showers, a midday run puts me in a better position to maintain my daily cycling commute. before, i would get up and run, then eat breakfast, and then ride 10k: it was too much for me, and i’d feel drained all day. now i feel like the hours spent at my desk between activities are well-earned rest and snacking periods.
book
some friends of oats’ were getting rid of several boxes of books, and i got to go through them. score! a copy of herland, charlotte perkins gilman’s 1915 utopian feminist novel! there’s an excellent review over at the feminist sci-fi blog.
sail
my boss gave me a woolen sailing sweater that she bought in france, eons ago. it’s all rad and stripey and warm as-all-get-out, and has buttons on the shoulder. i can’t wait to wear it out on the water… or incorporate it into another sort of situation… “oui oui, vien ici, ma petite chaton, heh heh heh…”
bike
yesterday i was reminded of a valuable lesson: before putting all the effort into dismantling, cleaning, greasing, and reassembling the hub of the rear wheel for that crusty raleigh cruiser you’re rebuilding, check the rim. just… look at it. if you do this, you may notice the massive fucking rusty bulge on the side of the rim, a bulge that is impossible to hammer out. then you will have the opportunity to stop and find yourself a new wheel or rim, before you’ve wasted most of your day on something that is not worthwhile.
this, my friends, is why i remain a devoted bike geek instead of a paid bike mechanic.
[photo: dawson at mystic beach, august 2007]
at the request of my coworkers, i came home from work mid-afternoon today: turns out that they didn’t appreciate my snotting and sneezing, not in the confines of our crowded office space. now it’s hours later and i should be sleeping away this cold, but instead i’m looking at the local online used sailboat listings and furiously rolling candles from sheets of beeswax in an attempt to use up my craft supplies. there’s a thirty-foot trimaran for nine grand. i don’t have nine grand. i do, however, have an active fantasy life. so i am becoming giddy anyway, thinking of the possibilities for my future life at sea. also, possibilities for solstice gifts: i have a lot of fabric, beads, and acrylic paint. also, wool. fuckloads of wool…
this post is supposed to be my health update. yeah, so: i have a cold. but what about the wrist, you ask? well, let me tell you!
my acupuncturist is hot. i need to state that outright, because if it came out later, after i’d gone on and on about how great an acupuncturist she is, you’d think i’m biased. i am biased, and now you know. deal with it. you’re fine.
the clinic i go to is at one of the traditional chinese medicine schools, and you don’t get to choose who treats you (though, if you need to return for weekly treatments, it’s usually with the same practitioner). this is the third time that i’ve taken a health problem to the school, and i had amazing people for both of the previous two sets of treatments. i guess this time ’round, i figured i might have already used up my luck. when i passed the punkity butch in the hallway upon arriving at the clinic for my session last week, i grinned at her and was rewarded with a smile in return. she was wearing a black shirt, while the rest of the students sport white lab coats: i thought she was another client. when she came to the waiting room and called my name, my first reaction was confusion. it’s nice, though: i’m pretty much over the whole “white-coat = authority” thing. besides, i’m not about to jump her or anything: i just like the fact that she’s hot. it keeps me amused.
why is the acupuncturist great, aside from this? she pressed a finger on the calming pressure point between my eyes when inserting needles into the tenderest point; she modified her treatment plan when i asked for fewer points; she sat next to me and worked out the knots behind my shoulder blade while letting the needles do their work; she is blunt and focused on solving the problems at hand.
i told the acupuncturist how the doctor at the campus medical centre recommended surgery and was not interested in the fact that i’m seeking “alternative treatment”, but did do multiple evaluative tests with me and devoted a good chunk of time to examining my hand, arm, shoulder, and posture. the doctor also gave me the massage prescription that i asked for, though as she handed it over she said: “you do realize that this won’t actually fix anything, right?”
that made me laugh, because it was so silly and… western medicine. after my telling, the acupuncturist shook her head and smiled too, and commented that at least the doctor was thorough and caring, which is really what matters in the big picture. yes, yes, yes it is.
so, my wrist: it is much better than it was. however, it’s still stiff, and sometimes the fingers are numb. occasionally, it aches inside the palm. also, my bicep and tricep intermittently go into spasms. as well, there are those crazy intense knots under my shoulder blades. i’m currently looking for a queer-friendly massage therapist (recommendations welcome!), so hopefully that’ll get worked out soon. mostly though, i just need to relax a fuck of a lot more. which is much harder than it sounds, cuz really? i’m kinda an intense person, even with myself.
i’m at home this evening, doing house stuff and getting ready to go to saturna island for a couple days. it’s the annual rendezvous of the bc multihull association, and friends invited me to sail their trimaran over there with them. it’ll be interesting, considering these strong winds that have been blowing lately… not sure how much i’ll get out of the rendezvous itself, as i haven’t feel very akin to the sailors i’ve met at regattas, but am looking forward to seeing more catamarans and trimarans. also, have never been to saturna! which reminds me: one of the tasks for tonight that i’ve yet to tackle is to finding my hiking guide to the gulf islands… it’s in one of the boxes of books that still dominate the landscape of my living room.
i know, i know: how is it that i haven’t unpacked? you’d think, with all the insomnia, i’d have loads of time to do shit like that… but no, of course i don’t. right now, if i feel happy, i tend to roll with it and try to do whatever i can to stay in that state (within reason). and when i feel down, well… yeah, there’s been a lot of that, and i’m trying to just let it be okay. it is what it is. so, with this little mental health project going on, some things that shoulda been taken care of ages ago are just not. but they will be. when i’m ready.
i am making an effort: tonight was a date with myself and my house. aside from a bunch of cleaning that had to get done, i also put up some shelves in an attempt to arrange a self-service apartment entrance for the cat. i have a small window that is entirely hidden from outside view by a large bush, and my idea is that with the shelves as a set of stairs, the cat could come and go as he pleases without bothering me or tempting the neighbourhood vandals with a more exposed opening. however, at time of writing, said cat is entirely unimpressed by my labour and refuses to step onto even the lowest shelf, despite bribery in the form of a dish of kibble. if i lift him up to the shelf, he will take a mouthful of kibble, jump back to the floor, spit it out, and proceed to eat each piece individually. it’s rather darling, actually. but… not what i had in mind.
luckily, someone else seems to like my new project! this inquisitive little snail came in through the window to do a thorough inspection of the top shelf as i installed the lower ones. i wonder if i’ll be getting more of these visitors… and i wonder what the cat will think about it.
we didn’t buy the boat.
it was a good idea, a great idea even… but then i went sailing (on my friend’s trimaran) in the roughest seas that i’d ever experienced. it was so rough, the cruise ships couldn’t dock at ogden point: that’s big waves. we sailed from fleming beach (esquimalt) to the oak bay marina, and i loved every minute of it, but was also forced to acknowledge that the sea can be a dangerous place. at this point, i know so little about winds and boats and tides and techniques that it makes more sense for me to keep crewing on other people’s vessels instead of fucking up my own.
…which i’ve been doing: spent last weekend in nanaimo, racing in the snake island regatta: we came in third due to a long list of errors and accidents, but it was good fun and i learned a lot. such as: next time, put sun block on ankles and lips as well as rest of body.
in other news, or lack thereof, have had no word from ubc.
however, despite the uncertainties of our future in this city, my romantic associate and i are moving! an apartment came up in the house of some friends, and we’re jumping at the chance to live somewhere bigger/cleaner/quieter/less rodent-infested. it’s in esquimalt, at craigflower and tillicum… i’ll miss all my friends and neighbours in quadra village, but i’m stoked to have a better home.
[photo: july 1st fireworks gathering on tri's roof in chinatown]
Filed under: Sailor
the short story is that the boat is kinda rad and kinda funny, and we’re not considering buying it unless i get into school in vancouver… which is *still* unknown! but yeah: if that’s where we’re going, then we’ll be doing some research into moorage and looking more closely at our finances, because it might be a really good idea.
the boat is sound, and theoretically inhabitable, but needs some work to become more aesthetically-pleasing and functional. it has potential coming out the ying-yang, meaning that there’s a lot of charm and beauty to be uncovered… and we could probably sell it for much more than we pay for it. i’m glad there are a lot of carpenters in my circles of friends! i took a lot of photos, as b wasn’t with me and i wanted to document it for her, but it seems an invasion of the current owners’ privacy to simply post them here. however! if you’re dying to know more, message me and i’ll send you the link.
[photo: the vessel's mast, buildings, and blue sky in false creek, vancouver]
Filed under: Sailor
i have a longer post in the works, about conferences and what i’ve been thinking during this current sojourn in vancouver, but it’s being postponed by another more pressing topic:
i just called and made arrangements to see a sailboat, with the idea of purchasing it in mind.
it’s big enough to live on, tough enough to interest me, old enough to be affordable, rare enough to be a treasure, common enough to have a supportive community network, and in rough enough shape that my d.i.y. skills will be put to good use. the price is low enough that b and i can seriously consider it, and it’s amazingly low considering the boat.
i feel sort of panicky-excited, because in the past 6 months or so that i’ve been trolling through online boat sale listings, this is the start of my move beyond the occasionally fantasy and incessant talk about a vessel or two. last week, it was an old wooden cruiser that i’d fallen in love with, and i sent an email inquiry about it, but never received a response. today, though, with this sailboat, i called the seller and spoke with him directly, setting a time and getting directions to the dock.
it’s insane. have i mentioned that i know next to nothing about sailing?
it’s perfect. why bother dreaming if i’m not going to use the dream to push the limits of my reality?
[photo: by b... sailing around race rocks with friends on their trimaran, april 2008]
