…unless of course he was 4 months old, 12 lbs, perpetually cold, and crazily skinny despite the fact that he’s consistently fed as if he were in the next higher weight bracket.
this weekend i knit mo a sweater.
that’s about all i did, aside from recover from last week, which was pretty crappy. given that, and the terrible weather, i almost skipped out on friday’s trans day of remembrance rally. then i thought to myself, “wait a second, a large part of why i feel so bad is due to ignorance of and hate towards gender and sexual diversity! a rally could be just what i need!”
and it was, in some ways, thought it also made me dwell a lot on depressing things.
the antidote to that was this morning, when oats and i spoke about being queer at a local unitarian youth group: these kids made me feel like being me, being us, being whomever *you* are, is definitely the raddest thing in the world.
I just told my partner that our beloved upstairs neighbour has nominated me for the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards, and her response was to smile. “I did too,” she said.
Aw, shucks! THANK YOU!
So, dear readers who *don’t* live at my house, here’s another reminder: Nominations are currently open for the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards, and there’s lots of bloggers (who aren’t me) that deserve to win! Get your nomination in via the handy online nomination form at the CBA website before this coming Saturday, November 21st.
Not sure who to nominate? Why not check out the Queer Canada Blogs blogroll, for excellent blogs written by talented bloggers!
Categories for which I personally am nominating my favourite blogs include…
- GLBT (Obviously! Though I’m not sure where this puts those of us who identify as queer…)
- Overall
- Blog Post
- Blog Post Series
- Personal
- Family
- Photo/Art
- Humour
- Political
More categories are listed on the nomination page at the CBA website.
And… Thanks for reading. No, really, I’m not being sarcastic: You’ve made blogging a very fulfilling experience.
It’s interesting that I’ve reached a point where I find the sexism in my classroom annoying but nothing worth addressing in any kind of serious way. It’s a study in comparative bigotry: The struggle to be respected as a queer has worn me down enough that I just don’t have energy for taking on the sexist crap.
However.
It’s quite tedious.
When I was in high school, I took part in an applied physics program. The courses were taught by a teacher named Vorvis, who was a stickler for details. Among other demands, he insisted that all assignments be accompanied by a neat drawing of the relevant apparatus, with labels written in perfect capital letters. If this was not done to his satisfaction, then the entire assignment was considered incomplete. Needless to say, this was an effective training tool that very quickly had me making all of my handwriting an imitation of Vorvis’.
Fast forward 14 years or so, and guess what? I still tend to write in all capital letters, evenly and neatly. BECAUSE I WAS TRAINED TO DO SO.
And yet! Almost every single fucking day, some idiot classmate looks at my schoolwork and makes some comment about my girl handwriting.
Sometimes they listen as I explain that actually, my gender isn’t nearly as relevant as my history as a physics nerd.
Usually, they don’t listen at all, and just go along their merry little thoughtless way.
TEDIOUS.
I realize such comments can sometimes be intended as compliments. Really though, if you want to compliment me, you should stick to my actual achievements: I worked damn hard in that physics program, whereas my gender is a more conflicted sort of ongoing negotiation that I don’t consider to be particularly praiseworthy. Otherwise, it’s just another one of the many ways in my intelligence and skills are undermined and negated, as a woman in this male-dominated trade.
Having said that, today has been a pretty good day, and I know that I’m here because it’s where I ought to be.
A while ago, Miz Moffat wrote a blog post in which she recounted the celebrity crushes of her youth and how they signified a future queer existence.
I didn’t comment, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this.
I didn’t comment not because I didn’t recognize my young queer self, but because the women to whom I was (and am) attracted are never celebrities: They are simply not visible in pop culture. The butch/genderqueer individuals who make my heart beat faster could not be found on the television screen or in films or even on stage. As I got older and into punk rock, there was some visibility, but before that? Nothing.
In fact, I think this is one of the reasons why I dated men for so long, despite knowing that I was queer: It was difficult to follow through on my hypothetical queerness when I was not attracted to Angelina Jolie or Lucy Lawless or Ani DiFranco or whomever else I heard the gay girls were into. I like ‘em butchy, and that’s a tall order for a young person.
Luckily, I was growing up mostly in Toronto, which is how I knew that I wasn’t straight: Even though the women I liked were rarely on teevee, I frequently saw them walking down the street, working in all sorts of professions, and generally being present. They were always older than me, and looked better in men’s clothing than any boy my age, and I’d see them and think, WOW.
Them I’d go back to fucking my boyfriend or whatever, trying not to dwell on the thoughts and feelings that had been brought up by the encounter.
I’m not saying it was harder than what was experienced by my peers who prefer femmes, just… Different.
I didn’t really recognize myself in a queer community until I was 17 years old and read Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold, which is a history of the lesbian culture in Buffalo, NY, in the 1930s-60s. It was a big moment for me, because though the butch/femme roles were presented as a coping mechanism in a homophobic society, I still saw myself validated. Not necessarily as a femme, which is a moniker that I’ve only come to adopt in the past year or so, but definitely as an appreciator of masculine women.
Soon after, I read Rubyfruit Jungle for the first time, and that didn’t help my confusion: The protagonist frequently expresses much distain for her female lovers who maintain their relationships with boyfriends for the sake of appearances, and I wondered, Am I doing that?
I spent a lot if time feeling bad, especially when I was single and secretly in love with a (non-butchy but out queer) friend. I don’t regret the way things went, but of course it’s always easier to see these things in retrospect: It made sense for me to be too scared to come out.
So my celebrity crushes? Well, the closest thing I can think of is when I was slightly obsessed with Amelia Earhart, at the age of 13. Mae Callen summarized the appeal quite well in her tributes, here and here. At the time, I was reading biographies constantly, looking for heroes, which meant that my love for AE had the main hallmarks of my future celeb crushes: I didn’t want to get with her so much as I wanted to BE her. Other people in this category include Diana Rigg in the 1965-68 seasons of the Avengers, and Pam Grier.
Other than that, I can’t say that pop culture has much room for the folks whom I consider to be crush-worthy. That’s a shame, because I know I’m not the only one who finds them to be sexy as all get out. But really, their invisibility is only a facet of the homophobia and strict gender rules that curtail so much of our lives: It’s another side of the same story in which I’m told I don’t look gay. The nature of celebrity reinforces ideas of who we should be, what we should look like, who we should love, and what our standards should be for beauty, of which gender is an extension. In a way, this is part of my attraction to butches/gendequeers: By simply existing and looking jaw-droppingly dapper in her grey wool suit, my lover is a walking/talking/thinking/feeling act of resistance, and I am dead proud to hold her hand as we walk down the street. She’s more crushable to me than any celebrity ever could be.
With huge thanks to Miz Moffat for getting me thinking!
***UPDATE: All blogs are now showing up as properly updated!!! YAY! But I’d still like your input…
———————–
My suspicion is that our success is becoming our downfall: The Queer Canada Blogs blogroll now lists 217 blogs, but some of them are not getting bumped to the top of the list when they are updated. As one of the troubled blogs in question is that of my lover, and another is a favourite of mine (Rigo’s Open Letter!), I’m quite put out that things are not working as they should.
Is the problem simply that we have too many blogs for Blogger’s Blog List gadget? Or is it just buggy in general?
I’m now trying out the Link List gadget, instead of the Blog List.
I’ve also copied most of the blogs over into BlogRolling, but I don’t think that link can be ordered by most recently updated (the option is there, but apparently not functioning?), which makes it rather unappealing for QCB.
We have a WordPress version of the blogroll, but the WP blogroll (Links) widgets aren’t great so that doesn’t seem to be an option.
Does anyone have any advice on how we could make the QCB blogroll more functional, ie. with some sort of hosted blogroll site, or a thirdparty gadget/widget that we could plug into the Blogger or WordPress versions of the site?
Mae and I would like the project to eventually have its own URL, along with all sorts of nice stuff such as blogs sorted by category, blogger profiles, maybe a queer bloggers forum, and how-tos for wannabe bloggers. I don’t think the timing is right for that right now, given how stretched thin she and I both are in terms of our other commitments*, but I’m interested to know if any readers have thoughts on how that could work.
Thanks in advance for your contributions!
*In my case, to the point where I’ve neglected replying to recent comments on this blog… I’m sorry! I’ll get there soon! Please don’t give up on me!
Nomination are currently open for the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards and will close on Saturday, November 21st.
As you may know, the Queer Canada Blogs blogroll is choc full of excellent blogs written by talented bloggers… Now is you chance to show a blogger how much you appreciate their hard work, by entering their name into the running for an award!
Suggested categories include:
- GLBT (Obviously! Though I’m not sure where this puts those of us who identify as queer…)
- Overall
- Blog Post
- Blog Post Series
- Personal
- Family
- Photo/Art
- Humour
- Political
…And these are just the ones for which I’m nominating my favourite blogs!
Check out the full categories listing and fill out the nomination form at the CBA website.
We’re here, we’re queer, we’re taking over teh internets…
It began to rain as I biked to school this morning. When I turned onto the road that takes me out of the city towards the rural-urban fringe where the trades campus is located, the sunlight that had shone earlier in the morning gave one last hurrah: A rainbow appeared across the sky ahead of me, with one end seeming to point to the college. Ha! I thought to myself. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past months, it’s that rainbows are not particularly welcome around here, at least not the kind that celebrate sexual and gender diversity.
Of course, I’m more likely to wave a black flag than a rainbow one, but still. The point remains.
Then I was thinking of the other meaning of the rainbow: There’s a pot of gold at the end, right? Which I suppose is really a more accurate reading of this sign, if I want to take it as one.
For the first time in my life, I’m developing a career. When I was younger, jobs were only for the purpose of paying rent and careers were for sell-outs bowing down to the man. When I was a university student, and then afterwards when I worked at a research institute, concepts and critical analysis were what mattered, and jobs depended on who I could impress and what grants they could secure. All of my previous ideas for my financial future were either unsustainable or impractical: Silkscreening instructor, website manager, stained glass artisan, bike mechanic, graphic designer, radio show host…
I don’t mean that these aren’t great possibilities for some folks, but given my skills and my personality, none of them were logical choices unless I was going to simultaneously invest a whole lot of energy into expanding my knowledge. Which I wasn’t: I wanted them to just happen.
Even the idea of becoming a university professor: I think I’d be a rad prof, but you know what? I hate writing academic papers. Loathe it, in fact. Producing my honours thesis was a horrid experience, one that I’d question repeating. So really, while a return to academia is on my to-do list, it’s waaaaaaaay down at the bottom, after “have kids” and “bike across canada” and even “learn to speak Irish”. Why on earth was I considering making a living as an academic?!!!
Which is a long way of saying that even when trade school hasn’t been welcoming and I’ve felt frustrated by the way things are organized around here, I’m very happy to be on my way to being an electrician. Being qualified in a trade excites me, because I’ll be useful for both my problem-solving ability and my dexterity, and for the most part will be able to depend on making a steady living wage based upon those skills.
Also, I’m rather good at it: I am proud to report that I just scored 98% on an exam regarding calculating ampacities for different conductor applications.
i almost forgot, until i read it on some other blog:
National Blog Posting Month STARTS TOMMOROW!
for all the newbies, this is a challenge in which your goal is to post a blog entry every single day for an entire month.
last year was my first NaBloPoMo, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn’t even manage to post every day, despite how easy i thought that’d be! what i *did* accomplish was finding a whole online community: some i met on the NaBloPoMo forums, and others i found on my own while searching the internets for blog post topic ideas.
one of the bloggers from this latter category is, of course, mae callen ( i googled “queer sailor blog”, in case you were wondering)… which led me to her queer ottawa blogroll… which morphed into queer canada blogs when she invited me to join in with the project… which may very well be how you, dear reader, arrived at my blog today!
the point is, i have fond associations with NaBloPoMo 2008, because it made me feel like i was connected to other bloggers.
so, i’m trying to kindle some of that magic for NaBloPoMo 2009! there are lots of different ways to do the challenge: some folks do it all year round (!!!), some stick with the original idea of an annual event that last for only the month of november, some do the challenge on their own, and some choose to join the official NaBloPoMo website.
personally, i’m just doing november, and i’ve joined the site.
i’ve also made a Queer Canada Blogs NaBloPoMo group, which acts as a discussion forum: i welcome all of you to join in.
when i get some time, i’d also like to make some QCB-specific NaBloPoMo badges… suggestions are welcome!
maybe i’ll even make a prize, for the QCB blogger(s) who succeed(s) in making it through the month?
now, it’s time to strategize, and line up some blogging topics, and dig through my drafts folder for something i can dust off on those inevitable upcoming days when the LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS BLOG but still will, because i like a good challenge.
Listening to the radio while washing post-breakfast dishes, I was sickened by a report that there is a bill before the Ugandan parliament to not simply outlaw homosexuality, but to make it a crime for a person to not report anyone they believe to be queer. I couldn’t turn off the program, not even as the journalist spoke of being unable to find a queer Ugandan willing to speak on-air for fear of persecution.
It absolutely terrifies me, to know that this is the reality for people like me in other parts of the world. I feel exhausted by classmates who don’t take me seriously when I object to their casual homophobia, and yet my frustration is just the tip of the iceberg for global human rights and respect.
S.U.M. happened by on a laundry run, and shared my anxious outrage as I hugged Mo, who kindly responded by falling asleep in my arms. It’s scary, agreed S.U.M., and I was relieved that she didn’t simply tell me it’s happening elsewhere so I shouldn’t worry. I *do* worry, because those same ideas of hate are what make queers unsafe the world over. Even when we aren’t being imprisoned and killed by others, we are being made to imprison and kill ourselves, out of fear and self-loathing generated by the same homophobic oppression.
You can listen to the podcast and read more on the webpage of CBC’s The Current.
Also, check out the blog of the blogger who did an email interview with The Current, Gay Uganda.
(In case it isn’t obvious, I did school tasks from home again today, and no, my mood has still not improved. In fact, I may never leave the house again… Though I suppose that would really limit my career prospects as an electrician, not to mention the annoyance it would cause my lover. Hmmmm. I’ll work on it.)
queer canada blogs, our blogroll featuring queers in canada as well as canadian queers living elsewhere, now has its very own blog review column in capital xtra, aka the ottawa edition of canada’s big queer newspaper. as usual, mae callen is responsible: i’m just the latecomer, tagging along and thrilled to be given the opportunity to take part!
mae kicked it all off in august with a look at The Naked Black Guy, followed by my first review in the september issue, in which i reveal to the world how much i love queer parenting blogs. today we got word that they want us to keep the reviews coming! hurrah! i’m hoping that it’ll get picked up by the paper’s other editions too.
a note on “fame”: mae and i are both writing under our online pseudonyms, because that’s how we blog and it’d be uncomfortable to out our real-life selves for this project, especially considering that we’re specifically writing about our blog communities. i wouldn’t have it any other way! and yet, it’s a bit sad, because i’ve finally got an article published in a real paper, and yet i can’t even clip it out to show my mom because there’s no way i’d want her to read my blog. it’s a double edged sword, my friends.
while we’re talking about QCB, guess what? there’s a chance that mae and i might finally meet IN PERSON next week when i’m in toronto!!! how very exciting is that.
