- this is the most important clarification that i need to make: though i used the singular personal pronoun “i” in my last post with regards to planning for a future with kids, i’m actually talking about a “we”. which is to say, i was researching options, but the execution of said options will also involve the thoughts, feelings, and energies of my beloved, oats. she’s an equal collaborator in this whole venture. as well, i suppose it’s worth mentioning that we’re also considering adopting older kids, in which case their opinions would be damn important too!
- when i say that i’m estimating $2000 per attempt, that’s specifically for intrauterine insemination with donor sperm at a clinic in my home city. it includes a mandatory counseling session, ovulation-prediction equipment, purchase of sperm from a sperm bank, shipping of sperm to the local lab, preparation of the sperm, insemination by a fertility specialist, and some paperwork fees. we could do it cheaper, definitely, but the chance of success may not be as high. on the other hand, it could be higher, because there’d be less stress. who knows? for now, i’m thinking of investing in a quality ovulation prediction machine, because part of the key here will be timing and i can use all the practice i can get. besides which, i’m a nerd: i love playing with gadgets and making graphs.
- i’m fairly certain that after we’ve been successful with the donor sperm and the child is born, we’ll need to go to court for oats to adopt the baby in order to be legally considered a parent, at an approximate additional cost of $800. which seems crazy. of course, now i can’t remember where i read this, and so i realize i might be completely wrong. i’ll go look for that info right now.
Filed under: Dreamer, Family Member, Nerd, Queer, Romantic, Student, Traveler, Worker
i just spent the last hour researching two goals of mine: how i can get a job in antarctica and how i can get pregnant.
and no, i’m not planning on attempting both at once.
though, the antarctic concentration of sperm-producing humans would be rather in favour of such an experiment… and, as a huge percentage of those residents are scientists, they would be what the sperm banks define as desirable donors, because they are university-educated. zomg, i should start an antarctic sperm bank!
but i digress.
as canada does not have a claim to the antarctic, being too busy using people as human flagpoles in an attempt to assert their ownership of the northern regions of the globe, getting a job in antarctica isn’t as simple as it would be if i were american or australian. or, for that matter, russian. the southern polar stations of these countries are associated with government and military operations, and so only their own citizens can be hired as the support workers. the scientists tend to be a bit more of an international crew. however, since i failed all of those science courses at the start of university and ended up becoming a human geographer instead of a biochemist as intended, it’s pretty unlikely that i’d get any sort of skilled research position.
…this thought had me run off for a couple minutes, and i’m back to tell you: there actually are a few academic articles about the social meaning of occupying antarctic space. see, for instance, “Cold colonies: Antarctic spatialities at Mawson and McMurdo stations”, by Christy Collis and Quentin Stevens (Cultural Geographies, Vol. 14, No. 2, 234-254 (2007)). who knew?
at any rate, my background in economic, colonial, and queer geographies hasn’t exactly laid the foundation for studying antarctic society, but i guess it’s possible. however, i’d do far better to follow through on becoming an electrician, and get cold weather experience in the northern territories. that way i could get hired as a specialty tradesperson, with qualifications that could compensate for my lack of appropriate citizenship.
pregnancy might be easier to achieve, but will be a bit more complicated. to be clear, i probably shouldn’t even call it a goal because i’m not craving the actual experience but rather see it as one of several possible routes to having kids. i think it’d be neat, but i also think adoption would be pretty cool too, just differently so. at this point, i’m just figuring out the options, because though i’ve always had this idea that intrauterine insemination with donor sperm would be expensive, i never knew the exact amounts. so, here goes: it’s about $2000 per attempt. that doesn’t sound like much, honestly… until i consider that it might not work the first time. statistically, i’d have an 80% success rate within 6 cycles. yeah. i’m glad this isn’t something i’m dead set on, because if i were i’d be depressed right now, rather than simply sobered.
i got an email from the local college back home in canada: i’ve been accepted onto the waitlist for their electrical foundation program. said waitlist is 8 to 12 months long, but still… i’m excited. this is to obtain a preparatory certificate for electrician apprenticeships, which is not an official requirement for becoming an apprentice. however, it’s become the de facto standard for anyone seeking entry level work in the field because most colleges offer it and so of course journey-qualified electricians prefer to take on apprentices with that sort of experience to back them up.
there’s intakes every month, and it’s self-paced: the average length of time is 6 months. i think i’m a hot shot and could do it faster than that, but then we all know how big my ego is… and the sort of trouble it gets me into. damn those parents of mine for telling me that i could do anything i wanted!
now my next task is to find funding.
“hi, i’m under 30 years of age, female, queer, hard-working, cute as hell, a committed volunteer, outgoing and friendly, have all sorts of random DIY and mechanical skills, can’t find work in the discipline that i studied at university, and will jump through a ton of hoops to make your organization/union/association/whatever look AMAZING if you pay for me to go to trade school!”
yes, i think that will suffice. needs a bit of re-wording, maybe… but gets right to the point.
snow! i woke up to snow this morning: not a lot, just a dusting, and a crunchy-icy sheen all over the road and sidewalks. if it were sunny, everything would be all sparkly, i’m sure. as it stands, the sky’s all grey… does this mean more snow on the horizon?
(the weather reports say no.)
growing up in southern ontario, i saw a lot of snow as a kid, and for the most part i loved it. my parents were firm believers in no-children-in-the-house-during-daylight-hours, so i suppose we had to learn to love it… but regardless, i was happy. my thoughts on the matter changed a little when i got into cycling, because even in the city, it’s hard to ride a bike through an ontario winter. that’s one of the reasons i moved west: i wanted to be able to enjoy my bicycle year-round. i still think this was a good decision, because being a part of the bike community out here has been amazing. but! but i dream of snow. as in, my dreams often feature snowy landscapes.
so when it actually does snow here, as it has quite often this past winter, i’m pretty damn thrilled.
talking with Oats this morning, we were speculating as to whether or not the climate is going to stay this way, if we’re going to have cold and snowy winters from now on. the funny thing is, i knew that i’d seen some old photos of this area under snow, during one of my forays into the archives. i fished around on the internet, and learned that there’d been a huge snowstorm in 1916: most of the snow photos that i was remembering were actually from that one event. however, there’s still a number of pictures from other years, showing at least as much snow as we had this year. so, maybe instead of getting more unusual and extreme, the weather is simply returning to a previous part of a long cycle. on the other hand, there’s also this global warming thing going on, and i could be completely wrong. i guess we’ll find out eventually!
in the meantime, it’s interesting to think about where we get our local standards for climate.
from my research, here’s a couple of my favourite pics:
i love this photograph because of the way the light shines off the water; it makes me think of good winter sailing. (189?)
this photograph reminds me of toronto, with its brick buildings and blowing flurries. (1937)
want to look at more photos? the bc archives has a great online database of visual records, guaranteed to provide hours of entertainment for all!*
*well, maybe all history nerds. up the nerds!
- regaining hope
- having faith in the future
thinking positively
believing
counting your blessings
seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
feeling great expectation
looking forward to success- being inspired
- regaining motivation
realizing an inner strength
seeing the way clear
being stimulated to a higher level
creating
receiving the answer- being generous
- wanting to give or share
spreading the wealth
opening your heart
giving back what you have received
letting love flow freely
offering with no reservations
holding nothing back- feeling serene
- experiencing peace of mind
relaxing
finding your still center
remaining untroubled
savoring perfect calm
being tranquil amid trouble
enjoying harmonyPeople have always looked to the stars as a source of inspiration and hope. There is something about their twinkling light that draws us out of ourselves and up into a higher plane. When we turn our eyes heavenward, we no longer feel the distress of earth. The Star reminds me of the clear, high voice of a soprano. There is something otherworldly about it. All the harshness and density of everyday life has been refined away leaving only the purest essence. After being exposed to the Star, we feel uplifted and blessed.
In readings, the Star is most welcome when grief and despair have overwhelmed us. In our darkest moments, we need to know that there is hope,that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The Star is the opposite of the Devil who strips us of our faith in the future. Card 17 holds out the promise that we can eventually find peace of mind. The Star also reminds us to open our heart and release our fears and doubt. If you have been holding back in any way, now is the time to give generously.
It is important to remember that the Star is inspiring, but it is not a card of practical solutions or final answers. Truly without hope we can accomplish nothing, but hope is only a beginning. When you see Card 17, know that you are on the right track. Your goals and your aspirations are blessed, but to realize them, you must take positive action. Use the light of the Star to guide you in your efforts.
k invited me to join her at the fire in her back garden last night, which was a checkpoint in the bike race. when they arrived, racers were invited to take their commemorative spoke cards from a spread. in keeping with the magic that permeates k and her garden, the cards featured selections from a tarot deck, and k gave each racer a run-down of the significance of their choice. she let me choose one too, and i must say: my selection couldn’t have been more appropriate.
remember how i upset i was over the breaking of my red teapot, some months ago? my houseguests of this past weekend gave me a new one, because they are just that fabulous and loving. more importantly, they seem to think i’m pretty great, which is nice, because i honestly haven’t been feeling quite as rad as usual. it could be stress, it could be hormones, it could be any number of things… all i know is that i spent some time on sunday evening crying and asking my lover if i’m a good person. rather melodramatic, i know.
on sunday afternoon, while working at the bike shop, a longtime acquaintance came by to fix his bike. to be clear: i think this guy is lovely, and i always look forward to talking with him at parties. having said that: as we chatted, i was reminded that he is friends with a couple of my exes as well as a few other people who don’t like me (such as the partners of exes, and the exes of partners). it’s not that i didn’t know this, but rather that i’d never thought about it before, not until we were at the bike shop and these folks were being referenced throughout our conversation. it was… overwhelming, to say the least.
basically, i think i’m a good person: i mostly live up to my core values, and i try not to be a hypocrite. i don’t expect everyone to like me. also, i know that relationships (and specifically, the end of relationships, as well as the start of new relationships) are complicated beasts that aren’t always easy or comprehensible. still, it’s hard, especially in a town like this: small enough to be incestuous, large enough to feel alienating. we inevitably end up dating each other’s roommates, exes, and roommates’ exes. cold shoulders freeze, and it’s not as easily ignored as it would be in a bigger city, nor as likely to be forgiven nor overcome as it would be in a smaller community.
my life used to be so much more public. even a year ago, i was more invested in socializing than i am these days. now i’m just not that interested in seeing and being seen. it doesn’t feel important anymore. i still enjoy my volunteer commitments, and i love my friends, but i don’t crave to know *everyone* like i did in the past. maybe it’s cuz i’m getting older, or maybe it’s because of the changes of the past 12 months. even though i’m happier and more satisfied and excited about the future, i still feel… worn out, and more than a little bit sensitive about my place in social networks.
so it’s a balm on my angsty soul, to be given a gift that is a replacement for one that i broke and mourned while depressed this past autumn. the first red teapot was a much-loved object that i bought for myself when i moved into my last apartment, the first home in which i’d lived alone. for a couple days, it was just me and the teapot, because i’d broken all my bowls and everything else was in storage. at that time, i felt strong and giddy and out of control but very optimistic. i’m hoping i can recapture some of that energy now, with this gift reminding me of friendship and community and stories and adventures: it’s a risk to place so much importance on an inanimate object, especially given my habit of dropping anything ceramic, but i don’t care because i’m so thrilled by it.
[photo: dear em and mimi, thank you.]
omg, aretha franklin is singing now… wow.
my boss told us all to stay home and watch obama being sworn in this morning, so i’m following orders. have had the radio going since 7 am, and am now watching the live coverage on the cbc website. actually, my boss tried to get us to come to her house for breakfast, and promised waffles, but she lives so far away I decided to skip it.
my mom and stepdad drove down to washington from toronto, and i’m looking for them in the crowd… but there’s such a mass of people that i doubt i’ll see them. in fact, they may not even have made it, because they went to stay with friends in the suburbs and were going to take the subway into the city at 4 am: i heard that the streets were already crowded at that time this morning. yeah, my parents are pretty keen on obama.
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, he’s in! welcome, president obama!
***update***
i need to get my stuff together and bike to work now, but first i have to say: i am so glad that obama has been elected, if only because of his ability to revive the great art of oratory. call me old-fashioned, but i love a good speech. i realize that it would not be difficult for a politician to surpass the low standards of public speaking set by the last american president; however, that aside: the poetry and cadence of obama’s inauguration speech is inspiring, and just thrills me.
Filed under: Co-operator, Cynic, Dreamer, Family Member, Feminist, Friend, Queer, Reader, Scifi Fan, Student, Traveler, Worker
there’s nothing like hanging out with a regular reader to remind a blogger of all the things she’s left hanging over the past several posts. last week, i was lucky enough to share breakfast with the sagacious rrr (and his equally astute romantic companion), and the dude was all like: “ummm… aren’t you supposed to be in japan right now?”
oooh, right… maybe i shouldn’t use this space as a *partial* brain dump, considering that somebody reading it might be wanting continuity or an actual storyline or even just the odd tying-up-of-loose-ends. obviously, it’d be better it i simply downloaded all contents of my mind into these pages. or stop blogging. how about i compromise, and do a monday round-up post?
japan
i’m not going. reasons: i can’t afford it. my regular life is too full of stress as it is, and trying to make it in a country where i don’t speak the language will be very exhausting. my main reason for wanting to go was because i wanted to spend time with m., and really, we could easily do that right here in the city where we both live. my other main reason for wanting to go was because i wanted to live in a different part of the world, and i’m eternally grateful to m. for getting me thinking about this, cuz honestly: until that afternoon when we bumped into one another and she started talking about japan, i had forgotten that i could leave this island.
australia
i’m going. i have a plane ticket to melbourne: i’m leaving on april 3rd and coming back on august 10th. i have a work visa, and hopefully will be able to room with friends (if they find a big enough place!). otherwise, i’ll just find some rad unknown roommates, ideally bike geeks who are down with critical analysis, queers, co-ops, and DIY. from what i hear of the city, this should not be too hard. my friend who is living in melbourne has been recommending clothing choices, my mom sent me the lonely planet guide to east coast australia, and i’ve got a very wonderful person making plans to visit me there in june: these things make it feel more real, because suddenly it’s not all in my head.
job
i started a new contract today, and as per my request, it’s only three months long. this morning, i told my boss that i’ll be leaving after that, and she told me that she doesn’t blame me, considering the situation around here (currently, a power-struggle involving the five project directors… five!!!). so, i’ve got twelve weeks to wind up and document 2.5 years worth of publications and event coordination: a sincerely delightful prospect.
school
i took a class this past term, something you may not have known because i barely mentioned it. it was a graduate level course, though i was taking it as a non-degree undergrad… the only one in a seminar with 7 other students who were all working on their masters’ degrees. this could have been overwhelming, but was actually quite good. i do well with a small audience. the course was in feminist research methodologies: i loved it, i hated it, i was in frequent crisis about it… and i pulled off an A, as well as a general sense of relief that i didn’t get accepted into graduate school cuz otherwise my days would be full of that sort of thing.
instead of trying for graduate school again, i am back to thinking about my plan to become an electrician. i couldget some scholarships and start the 6 month foundation program next fall, with the long term plan of getting together with all my other rad tradeswomen friends and forming a feminist workers’ co-op contracting business. eventually, we’ll get our own reality teevee show, in which pink will act as host while we build affordable and sustainable housing, are damn clever, and look damn hot. we’ll mentor young women in trades, and generally be a successful community economic development initiative. yay, dreams! srsly, it could be fantastic.
carpal tunnel
my (hawt) acupuncturist went to india, and i’m no longer a student so don’t have extended health coverage and thus cannot afford the massage therapist. have not been to a doctor in months, and don’t plan on it. i wear the wrist brace (fake-honky-flesh-tone corset!) most nights while sleeping, and received a p0werb@ll gyroscopic hand-exerciser-thingy as a solstice gift, which i think has been helping. for the most part, i’m hardly in pain anymore: my wrist is just very stiff, sometimes the fingers are numb, and it cracks a lot when i twist it. i’m going to start a 12-week set of (queer!) yoga classes next week, to aid in strengthening muscles as well as relaxation.
new year’s eve
i spent nye waiting for my neighbours to arrive home from south carolina, because we had plans to eat dinner, drink wine, and fry some oliebollen. they never showed up (stranded in toronto), so i had an unexpected and delightful night with my best friend instead. we had such a good time, it’s surprising that we didn’t plan it. or maybe that’s partly what made it so good.
reading
current books that lay half-read next to my bed are alanya to alanya (2005) by l. timmel duchamp, marion zimmer bradley’s the winds of darkover (1970), and sappho was a right-on woman: a liberated view of lesbianism (1972) by sidney abbott and barbara love. i love sci-fi, i love feminism, i love stuff from the seventies. right on!
family
for solstice, i bought my 18-year-old sister some lube and a vibrator.
i guess i can take down the NaBloPoMo thingy on the left sidebar, seeing as november is now over and thus National Blog Posting Month has come to an end.
le sigh.
well, i guess i shouldn’t beat myself up over it, cuz my attempt to do 30 posts in 30 days wasn’t an epic failure.
not epic, no.
but… really, i don’t deserve much of a gold star or anything, do i? i managed to pull off 19 posts, which is 63.33%. blech. ah well. i blog because i want to share my writing, but without getting marks as i have when i’ve shared it @ skool… so, fuck it.
next time, i oughta set out a list of goals before i start a project such as this. in fact, i’m going to pretend i did! looking at it that way, i’m pretty pleased with myself. i feel as though i used this month very well, thank you very much:
- i only moved to this URL for all my blogging needs back at the start of october, and despite the import of my archives, it was still feeling a bit bare and unsettled. you know, like when you move to a really great new apartment and you’ve painted the walls and added all your favourite old furniture and crap, but it still doesn’t feel quite like home? participation in nablopomo provided me with a chance to get past that awkward stage, by forcing me to post a lot of writing on this blog. now i feel like i belong here. it’s nice.
- in the past, i’ve spent far too much time lazily reading the blogs of strangers, instead of writing my own. during nablopomo, i didn’t have that luxury… if i read something interesting on someone else’s blog, i’d run over here and write about my thoughts instead of just thinking them. yessirree, i was training myself to produce a product! oh gawd, when i think of it that way, i’m appalled. ick. still, it was fun to have a goal.
- also, some of my thoughts were only half-baked, and i didn’t always have time to finish them (though i’d meant to before the end of the month… dammit!). so, i have a nice store of drafts to work on for later posting, during slow times.
- i work at a computer all day. often, it drives me crazy. nablopomo forced me to be more focused in my non-work computer time, so that i didn’t end up spaced out over the screen for hours longer than i needed to. during november, i actually built up a nice bike, cooked a ton of food, spent a lot of time with friends, rearranged some of my apartment, read a bunch of books, and did a lot of sewing: in short, a solid list of computer-free accomplishments.
- the groups on the nablopomo website brought me together with a lot of other great writers, whose blogs i now read semi-regularly. also, i got all curious about other bloggers who share my interests, so i spent a bunch of time searching through the blogging community and found even more folks whose writing i enjoy. in particular, i’m thinking of nikki, amanda, mizducky, mae callen, kyle, and violet… yeah, even though you don’t know me, y’all get shout-outs, cuz i think yer pretty damn cool.
- for the most part, i’ve been a big lurker: i read peoples’ blogs, but never added a comment. now, i’m all like w00t! par-tay! er. well, maybe not quite. still, i tend to write comments a lot more than i did in the past… mostly cuz i now know how bloody boring it is when no one. ever. comments. (this is not a thinly-veiled plea for your attention, i swear! i actually get a lot of f2f commentary and that’s usually enough for me to feel the love)
happy december, everyone. i have one more day here in toronto, and will be flying to the west coast early on wednesday morning. this has been the worst trip to ontario i’ve ever had; i love the city and my friends here but insomnia kicked my ass, and i’ve barely been present at all this past week. apologies to those of you i missed! next year? or… you could come visit me?
i’m so happy november’s over, and am dead thrilled to be going home.
how amazing would that be?! the contracts are short anyway, so the limits of my australian work visa (maximum 6 months with any one employer) wouldn’t be a problem… especially because my current thoughts of a trip downunder involve being there in winter, when antarctic contracts are especially brief.
because it’s cold.
and dark.
and isolated.
huh.
well, it’s worth thinking about at any rate… i’ve always wanted to work at the south pole.
